I promise, this post contains not a hint of exaggeration. It's all perfectly true.
As I may have mentioned before, I am moderately retarded when I out on my own. Bad things just seem to happen to me. So today when I went to go to the supermarket, I considered it a minor miracle that I had actually managed to arrive at the supermarket without getting run over, mugged, kidnapped or converted to Scientology. However, it was silly of me to think that my luck would hold.
I don't like Australian birds. I'm used to birdsong being a peaceful sort of thing. I don't want to wake up every morning to the sound of lawnmowers raping each other to the music of Impaled Northern Moonforest. One day, I told a crow to shut up. It started to follow me, cawing at me incessantly. It was terrifying. Since then, I think the fuckers have been out to get me. They're following me, I tell you.
So I rounded the corner, ready to stride confidently through the entrance to the supermarket, when I was confronted by THIS:
This was the biggest crow I've ever seen in my life. Death was radiating from this thing in waves. This crow wanted blood and it wanted it NOW. To put things in perspective, here is a picture of the crow next to the sun. THAT is how big and deadly and horrible this crow was.
I didn't want this big black fucker (no, that's not racist) to get in the way of my precious grocery shopping. I needed my tomatoes and bacon and cheese and I needed them NOW. So I bravely took a step towards the beast from hell.
"CAW" roughly translates to "get the FUCK away from my bin, you filthy miserable excuse for a human being. I own this place now! Within weeks, this whole city will be taken over by my family, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it! Why don't you just go home now, you dirty foreigner. Go back to the land of real birds that sing properly and don't attack you when you're trying to walk to the shops! You're not AUSTRALIAN enough for me!"
At this point, I was quite certain that I was going to die. I wanted to take out my phone and call the boyfriend and tell him to sell my body to science, but I was afraid the crow might mistake it for some delicious roadkill and bite my hand off.
But then, I took a closer look at the crow. I used what little brainpower I had left and realised that since this crow was roughly equivalent to a walrus in weight, I could simply run nimbly past the crow and be in the safety of Coles before it had even raised a wing. Although Brain assured me that this was the right thing to do, I couldn't help but picture morbid scenarios involving my eyes being pecked out and my arms being eaten and the crow dragging me away to its lair so that I wouldn't be found until the boyfriend got hungry and wanted me to cook him some bacon and then realised I wasn't home, so he would go out and try to find me but instead just find an eyeball and perhaps a toe at the entrance to Coles.
But I bravely pushed this terrifying scenarios out of my head, closed my eyes and ran for it.
The next thing I knew, I was safely inside! I couldn't believe I'd made it! Buying my groceries made me happy to be alive! I would get to taste coffee and eat bacon and violently attack the boyfriend whenever I wanted to! Oh, joy of joys.
And thankfully, the bastard had gone when I left. It was probably dragging the mangled remains of a small child underneath the shopping centre.
Birds are evil.