Saturday, September 11, 2010

I live in a really weird place, part II

Yes, I am quite aware that I could have easily put all of these together in one post. Never mind, I'm sure huge posts are intimidating anyway. Let us continue with our tour of Melbourne's outer suburbs!

#4: That weird shop next to Con's

This one was pointed out to me by the boyfriend. He mentioned that some nights when he'd been going by on the tram, he'd seen the lights on in this previously-thought-to-be-abandoned shop. Recently, I saw it too! Any shop with a graffiti-covered frontage and mouldy-looking lace curtains drawn at all times should arouse suspicion instantly. If it doesn't arouse suspicion, then you're clearly just not suspicious enough, so there! Anyway. The first time I went past this place when the lights were on, I wasn't able to see anything through the tantalisingly non-curtained window at the top. However, the second time, I noticed two things:
  1. The shop was partitioned into two. Nothing could be seen in the right-hand side of the shop.
  2. There was all kinds of Chinese pictures up on the walls.
Prior to these observations, I thought the shop must be some kind of mafia hangout. But after this, my mind immediately went "brothel brothel BROTHEL!" As it is prone to doing. But come on, that's a pretty shitty brothel. It doesn't even have a "Thai Massage" sign up in the window. So maybe they're just trafficking drugs in there, which is a lot more boring.

And no, I have never been to Con's. I don't know if the hamburgers really are a con and are actually made out of asbestos. All I know is that I want to work there so that I can see who works in the brothel.

#5: Is it a house or is it a garden?

This one really fucked with my head the first time I walked past it. I just ... WHY. WHY WHY WHY. Most of the other houses around here are normal, sort of. And then you stumble across a forest in the middle of Melbourne's northern suburbs. I really, really can't explain this one.

  1. They just don't have enough space in their already-quite-ample garden?
  2. They're trying to camouflage themselves in preparation for an attack from bicycle-roof-shop (just wait, I'll explain). 
  3. They're trying to see how dumb the cops are around here - is it really possible to grow crops of weed on one's roof?
  4. Hot, hot plant/weatherboard sex.
If I ever come up with an explanation for this, you'll hear about it here first.

#6: Fucking awful brick building!

There are an unfortunate number of shitty brick buildings around here. Sometime in the 60s, some property developers decided it would be a GREAT idea to knock down large numbers of beautiful Victorian terraces, and replace them with awful brick edifices with roughly the same amount of personality as John Key. Good going, guys. But really, most of them aren't notable enough to include in a blog entry about interesting buildings. But oh god. OH GOD. This one is just so, so awful.

First, it is fucking huge. I think there's about 25 apartments in it. And these apartments are grim. This thing is on one of my usual walking routes, and the bridge that crosses the highway offers a great view into the lives of these poor souls. The rooms are roughly 1cm x 2cm, and oh boy they look DAMP. I'm sure roaches are an issue. On one side of the building you get a view of the sound barrier next to the highway, and on the other side you get an interesting view into your neighbour's bathroom. Some rooms, I'm sure, don't actually have windows.

I'm not sure what these poor people did to deserve living in such a massive shithole. Maybe they voted for Tony Abbott. That would probably explain things.

#7: Bicycle-roof shop


The boyfriend and I saw this one very late at night while walking home from a gig. Just like Weird Shop Next To Con's, this was one that we just assumed was abandoned. But oh no, of course not! Nothing is ever as it seems around here!

As always, the mouldy lace curtains were closed and the front of the shop looked like it hadn't been used since 1972. However, through the small window at the top, I could see a few things. It had a bike hanging from the ceiling, as well as a Chinese lantern. This only leads me to one conclusion:

Mafia crafts and handiwork club!

Thank you. I hope you enjoyed your tour of Melbourne's weirdo buildings. There are probably hundreds more, but I'm really sick of drawing buildings now. 


  1. #5 - Charlotte, did you not listen when Sam from geog 101 told us all about green roofs??

  2. Ah, I see. Well every now and then I managed to see the slides through our jizz and I remember green roofs being mentioned