Friday, September 10, 2010

I live in a really weird place, part I

Here in Melbourne, it's not hard to stumble upon unusual/creepy/intriguing buildings wherever you go. Which is kind of weird - this never happened in Auckland. The most exciting thing around my neigbourhood in Auckland was this one busted up old house on the way to the beach, in which Long Bay College students had sex and smoked parsley and had sex with parsley and smoked their own bodily fluids.  Here, things are far more exciting. You never know what you might find around the corner! Here, let me take you on a tour.

#1: Amazing silver tinfoil alien house

I noticed this as I was going past on the tram one day. It really does look like someone decided to glue sheets of heavy-duty tinfoil over every available surface of their house. I'm sure there are many logical explanations for this strange behaviour.

  1. Aliens are coming and the owners of this house need to deflect their incoming radio waves.
  2. Matt Bellamy lives here.
  3. They're trying to blind all their neighbours. Just try looking at this fucking thing on a sunny day! You will actually go blind and die. 
  4. Their house is actually made of weatherboards. I would understand completely if this was the case. I hate weatherboards. When you have weatherboards, anything is an improvement.
But all in all, this behaviour is truly bizarre. In addition to this, I have seen a number of houses nearby with the same tinfoil stuff over seemingly random windows of their house. Tinfoil wars are ON!

#2: The Patra House

(Note: The Patra House actually does have more windows. I just forgot. But they also have blinds closed at all times). 

This one has intrigued me since I first visited Melbourne. The thing is, it's probably something totally innocuous. There are millions of immigrants around here and I guess they need somewhere to gather. There's an Estonian House just down the road. But still, The Patra House still manages to arouse suspicion. Earlier this year, there was a Romanian flag up in the window. Romanian nationalists, perhaps? The "MEMBERS ONLY" sign in the window is hardly welcoming to any passing Romanian. And that raises the question of how on earth does one actually BECOME a member in the first place?

Whilst the blinds are always drawn and the door is always firmly shut, one day the boyfriend and I had the good fortune to walk by while someone was inside. They had carelessly left the door ajar! All thoughts of getting stabbed and shot fled my mind as the Curiosity Beast awoke. I peered in. Disappointingly, there wasn't all that much to see. It had a bar and kitchen, which looked nice and clean, and a large space on the floor, presumably for when the members want to engage in some crazy Romanian dancing. 

I think the strangest thing about The Patra House, though, is the sign on the side of it. It says something like "LP gas conversions and EFI specialists". 


Somehow I don't think that's what goes on in there. 

So The Patra House is a little bit weird, and I am certainly tempted to put a letter in their letterbox asking how I can become a member and if I have to perform any strange rituals to join. But I'm scared of them setting my house and fire and harvesting my organs, so perhaps this wouldn't be the best course of action. However! There are more weird buildings to come. Move along now ...

#3: Disgusting drug house

Eeew. This place is pretty revolting. I'm quite sure it's a crack house. But for god's sake, if you really want to have a crack house, why don't you try making it a little less obvious?!?! Anyway. Several times, I've walked by this place and noticed cars out the front. These have always been really nice new cars, which are totally incongruous to the surroundings. Once there was a nice black Mercedes van, driven by a little Asian fellow. I tried to see if there was anything in the back of the van, but the windows were tinted. Hmm ...

One day, when a nice shiny red car was parked out the front, I noticed that the gate to the left of the house was open. Behind the gate, things were even more dire than they appeared from the front. There was a fucking terrifying dog - I think it was a pitbull or something. There was also a garage full of all manner of shit, and some kind of abortion which I think once might have been a garden shed. This place is mental. For ages, I just assumed it was abandoned, as there are a number of abandoned places around here. But no, those fancy cars proved me wrong! Very queer indeed. I wish I lived across the road from this place. I would love to see what goes on. I would also be terrified of having my house set on fire when the crackheads see me up there with my binoculars, but whatever. 

Next time:
Creepy shop next to takeaway place!
House with garden on roof!
Ceiling-bike shop!
Fucking awful brick building!

1 comment:

  1. You should break into the Patra house and meet some gypies