Cat Lady

Where on earth have I been since the last time you saw me? Not very many places, to be honest. First of all I died (I'm still dying a bit) of a horrible cough which feels like lots of angry hedgehogs are trying to bash their way out of my throat.

That made me sad. Hedgehogs are cute and shouldn't make me feel like this:

Of course, that doesn't really stop me blogging. It's just I've been feeling spectacularly unfunny for the last week or so. I've suddenly become very homesick and that really isn't the best frame of mind in which to write funny stories and draw funny pictures! But I'm feeling much better today, especially because yesterday, summer arrived! But of course, this always happens. In late September/early October, there will be one brilliantly sunny day. Everyone will put on their shorts and run outside going "YAY!! SUMMER IS HERE!!" and get sunburnt.

Of course, the next day (today) it pisses down with rain and is cold. I fear my shorts will be sitting dejectedly in the wardrobe for a while. It's meant to be sunny again this weekend though. Just so you know.

Anyway. The boyfriend and I have a new hobby. Catspotting! He hasn't had a cat for 48784687 years, and I left my babies behind in New Zealand, so we both kind of crave cute fuzzy cats all the time. We've started to become quite familiar with the neighbourhood cats. Allow me to do for you the cutest blog entry ever.


1. Adorable black and white cat

We've seen this cat a few times on sunny days. It is the sweetest cat! So friendly, and always comes to see us. It acts like it owns the place, and is always on the lookout for the best patch of sun. We've seen it at four different houses, so god knows where it lives! All we know it it's so adorable!

2. Funny brown-faced cat

This cat has been sighted at a shitty house near where we live as well as in the nice house next door to it. Very cute, but not quite brave enough to come and say hello to us.

3. Mysterious ginger cat

We're not sure whether we've seen this cat a few times, or if different ginger cats have been sighted. This one was clearly way more interested in his sunny patch than us - just look at that face!

4. The best grey cat

This cat is my favourite! It looks just like my old cat who died earlier this year. It was so adorable, especially since you don't see that many grey cats. The best thing was that it seemed almost as brainless as my old cat - on our way home, it started to rain. This cat was still there outside. SO cute!

5. The cutest tabby cat

Definitely a contender for the cutest cat! Just look at that face. We've seen it a few times, and at one point, it was so well concealed in the flowerbed we almost missed it. Such a lovely cat!

6. Scruffy cat

We've only seen this cat once, and at a rather crappy house. Gorgeous long-haired cat, but he did need a good comb and a bit of love! He had a very serious little face.

7. Adorable white cat

Possibly the only cat friendlier than the black and white cat from the same street! This one was absolutely adorable. The boyfriend fell in love with it - not surprising, as it looked much like his old cat! This one seemed to love him as well. SO cute!! I hope we see it again soon!

8. Other adorable white cat

This was a cat we'd seen before, but never up close. He had clipped ears, probably due to albino cats being prone to skin cancer :( He seemed to be staying in the shade, which was good! Very cute, but he was quite happy to stay lying down. We know that this house also has a jet black cat and a tabby.

9. Black and white cat #2

This is another cat we know. What is it with black and white cats being so adorable and friendly? This one has come out to see us before as well. I just want to take him home!

So there you go! There are many, many more cats, including Flowerpot Cat and Window Kitten. Expect more posts like this, especially with the amount of cats we've been seeing in the sunny weather. I hope you've enjoyed your daily dose of adorable, and if any of these cats are yours, can we have them? Thanks.

UPDATE

Yes I am still alive. I haven't been for a while though. Expect an update tonight! Yay! I hope you're a excited as I am, dear reader!

Mainly I'm just writing this post so that I don't cop out of doing the entry itself. I'm sorry if this is a huge letdown. I will make up for it, I promise.

In the meantime, here is a drawing I found in my "blog" folder. Unfortunately, I can't for the bloody life of me remember what it was supposed to be part of.

Thank you.

The ultimate tea-making guide.

Right. I am alive again, kind of. While I was dying, it occurred to me that Death By Bad Tea must be one of the leading causes of death outside of the United Kingdom. I think it's a terrible thing that there are people out there who don't even know how to make tea! (I'm looking at you, boyfriend). So, being the kind person that I am, I have compiled a handy guide to tea-making. It covers the most common mistakes, including the fatal tea-making errors that will make you bleed out of your eyes.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. First of all, let me present to you The Good Tea Guide.

A bone china mug is important, as it preserves the tea flavour very well and keeps it hot for a long time. The white interior of the cup is also vital - how else will you monitor your tea colour? Also I think it's just offputting to drink from a mug with a dark interior.

Let me take you through the vital steps involved in making a truly amazing cuppa.

1. Teabag, obviously. Now the only blend I will accept is English Breakfast. I recognise that there are some heathens out there who seem to enjoy the soapy taste of Earl Grey, but we'll just pretend they don't exist for now. Herbal teas are not teas; we'll cover that later. As for loose leaf tea, well, I admit I haven't had much experience with it. However, I have nothing against it and will in fact respect you if you choose to take this difficult path in tea brewing. 
2. Sugar. I take one. I don't really have any strong opinions on tea sweetening - oh wait, I do have one. My mum used to use those godawful Equal Sweettabs. They made the tea taste of Diet Coke. Foul things!
3. Water. Now this step may seem simple, but believe me, it is fraught with difficulty! Firstly, the water MUST be boiling - if the water kind of ejaculates out of the spout of the kettle, you're doing something right. Secondly, the water must be poured from a reasonable height above the cup. This is to ensure adequate agitation of the teabag, giving you a stronger and more delicious brew. 
4. Stir. Again, a seemingly simple step that people still fuck up. Make sure the teabag is agitated enough. The tea needs to permeate the water properly, or else your tea will be weak and nasty, like Earl Grey dishwater. Set your teabag rotating with your spoon, and then draw the spoon out of the cup in one quick motion, allowing the teabag to rotate unhindered by the spoon. Rest the spoon on top of your cup for convenience. 
5. Milk. REMOVE YOUR TEABAG. I cannot stress this enough! Take it out and throw it in the bin. Now. Thank you. Now then, milk. Only full cream milk will do! None of this skim, low fat nonsense. There is a good reason for this - after 18 years of watching my mother use trim milk, I can assure you that it will turn your tea a nasty blue colour. Also it will taste like wee. Anyway, pour your milk and stir at the same time, so that you can monitor the colour of the tea effectively. 

Done! There, it's not so hard, is it? Well, according to lots of people, it bloody well is. Real tea is just splendid, and will probably make your day.

Bad tea, on the other hand, will make you dribble uncontrollably and bleed out of your eyes.

Clearly, this is not good for your overall health and wellbeing. So WHY do people make so many stupid mistakes while making tea? 

Firstly, people assume that things like herbal "tea" and skim "milk" are a good idea.

Herbal (oh, and fruit) teas are just abhorrent. They are also most misleading! Fruit teas smell so wonderful, and yet when you taste them ... well, there's no taste. It's all just smell. I might as well be drinking a mug of boiling water while sniffing a blackcurrant. Not impressed. Also, the kind of people who drink herbal and fruit teas should be avoided at all costs. They are probably activists and own numerous items of clothing made out of hemp.

As for skim milk, well we covered this earlier! It makes your tea blue. You got the message? Good. I will not take any responsibility for your foul tea made with devil milk. 

However, of all the deadly tea-making sins (did I mention that some people people put the milk in BEFORE the water?! AHHHH! This INSULATES the teabag, making it next to impossible for any delicious tea to seep through! Why would you do this to yourself!) I think the worst one of all would have to be something that I have thankfully never experienced first-hand. Legend has it that those ridiculous Americans hardly even know what an electric kettle is. They also seem to think you have to specify "hot tea" to get a cuppa, or else you'll get ICED TEA which is just as repulsive as fruit/herbal tea. Clearly they know nothing about tea-making. So next time you go to an American's house and request tea, prepare yourself for the following. I hear this is quite common. Are you ready?

They use WARM WATER to make tea. Out of the TAP.

This is so wrong on so many levels!!! I actually have nightmares about this!!

Ok. Breathe.

So there you have it, your guide to a perfect cuppa, every time!

Some people may have other opinions, but mine is always right. Yep.

FFFF-

I keep trying to post, but I think I'm dying. I feel full of death and unhappiness. Translated, that means I have a bothersome cough and am very lethargic. Apparently, this also means I can't draw or write very well.

One of the worst things about being sick is that I can't have caffeine. Normally, caffeine makes everything right with the world. When I'm ill, however, it makes me feel like everyone's trying to kill me and my heart beats so fast I feel like it's going to come bursting through my chest and go bouncing off down the road at any small surprise. This isn't good. I can't even have my 87487456 cups of tea per day! However I bought some hot chocolate mix today, which makes everything slightly better. I need my hot drinks, otherwise I morph into something with roughly the looks and disposition of Margaret Thatcher. And we wouldn't want that now, would we?

One more piece of news for the day! In this post, you will recall (being the loyal readers you are) my mention of the Patra House. Well the other day, when I wasn't dying, I went past and it was open again! This was very exciting. It is much, much bigger on the inside than on the outside! I think it's actually the TARDIS. Anyway, there was some sort of Romanian gathering going on in there. There was a little table at the entranceway with a vase on it. Sellotaped to the vase was a sign that said "EKE".  I don't know whether that means "welcome, good Romanian friends" or "set foot in this place without a membership card and you DIE". Open to interpretation, I suppose. There were a good few people milling around the bar (at 2:30pm, psh, who drinks then!) and one of them had come out for a smoke. Once again, it was a bit of a letdown and didn't have nearly enough mafia-type action for my liking.

Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to post something with pretty pictures. Fingers crossed I don't die in the night!

This happens at least once a week.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who automatically thinks of this. Also, I think in the third photo, I unintentionally drew a picture of Wyatt Roy.

In addition to this, for an embarrassingly long period of time, I thought that neé indicated that the person was born of the opposite gender. No, really, because the first instance of this I saw was something like Lisa Williams (neé Steven). It was one of those lame people who had a first name as their last name. Most confusing. I think I only realised the truth when I was about 15. Thankfully, I was never in a situation where this woeful misjudgment would come to light.

That's all for today. It's Sunday and I'm going to Max Brenner.

I live in a really weird place, part II

Part I

Yes, I am quite aware that I could have easily put all of these together in one post. Never mind, I'm sure huge posts are intimidating anyway. Let us continue with our tour of Melbourne's outer suburbs!

#4: That weird shop next to Con's

This one was pointed out to me by the boyfriend. He mentioned that some nights when he'd been going by on the tram, he'd seen the lights on in this previously-thought-to-be-abandoned shop. Recently, I saw it too! Any shop with a graffiti-covered frontage and mouldy-looking lace curtains drawn at all times should arouse suspicion instantly. If it doesn't arouse suspicion, then you're clearly just not suspicious enough, so there! Anyway. The first time I went past this place when the lights were on, I wasn't able to see anything through the tantalisingly non-curtained window at the top. However, the second time, I noticed two things:

1. The shop was partitioned into two. Nothing could be seen in the right-hand side of the shop.
2. There was all kinds of Chinese pictures up on the walls.

Prior to these observations, I thought the shop must be some kind of mafia hangout. But after this, my mind immediately went "brothel brothel BROTHEL!" As it is prone to doing. But come on, that's a pretty shitty brothel. It doesn't even have a "Thai Massage" sign up in the window. So maybe they're just trafficking drugs in there, which is a lot more boring.

And no, I have never been to Con's. I don't know if the hamburgers really are a con and are actually made out of asbestos. All I know is that I want to work there so that I can see who works in the brothel.

#5: Is it a house or is it a garden?

This one really fucked with my head the first time I walked past it. I just ... WHY. WHY WHY WHY. Most of the other houses around here are normal, sort of. And then you stumble across a forest in the middle of Melbourne's northern suburbs. I really, really can't explain this one.

1. They just don't have enough space in their already-quite-ample garden?
2. They're trying to camouflage themselves in preparation for an attack from bicycle-roof-shop (just wait, I'll explain). 
3. They're trying to see how dumb the cops are around here - is it really possible to grow crops of weed on one's roof?
4. Hot, hot plant/weatherboard sex.

If I ever come up with an explanation for this, you'll hear about it here first.

#6: Fucking awful brick building!

There are an unfortunate number of shitty brick buildings around here. Sometime in the 60s, some property developers decided it would be a GREAT idea to knock down large numbers of beautiful Victorian terraces, and replace them with awful brick edifices with roughly the same amount of personality as John Key. Good going, guys. But really, most of them aren't notable enough to include in a blog entry about interesting buildings. But oh god. OH GOD. This one is just so, so awful.

First, it is fucking huge. I think there's about 25 apartments in it. And these apartments are grim. This thing is on one of my usual walking routes, and the bridge that crosses the highway offers a great view into the lives of these poor souls. The rooms are roughly 1cm x 2cm, and oh boy they look DAMP. I'm sure roaches are an issue. On one side of the building you get a view of the sound barrier next to the highway, and on the other side you get an interesting view into your neighbour's bathroom. Some rooms, I'm sure, don't actually have windows.

I'm not sure what these poor people did to deserve living in such a massive shithole. Maybe they voted for Tony Abbott. That would probably explain things.

#7: Bicycle-roof shop

I DON'T KNOW I REALLY DON'T KNOW.

The boyfriend and I saw this one very late at night while walking home from a gig. Just like Weird Shop Next To Con's, this was one that we just assumed was abandoned. But oh no, of course not! Nothing is ever as it seems around here!

As always, the mouldy lace curtains were closed and the front of the shop looked like it hadn't been used since 1972. However, through the small window at the top, I could see a few things. It had a bike hanging from the ceiling, as well as a Chinese lantern. This only leads me to one conclusion:

Mafia crafts and handiwork club!

Thank you. I hope you enjoyed your tour of Melbourne's weirdo buildings. There are probably hundreds more, but I'm really sick of drawing buildings now. 

I live in a really weird place, part I

Here in Melbourne, it's not hard to stumble upon unusual/creepy/intriguing buildings wherever you go. Which is kind of weird - this never happened in Auckland. The most exciting thing around my neigbourhood in Auckland was this one busted up old house on the way to the beach, in which Long Bay College students had sex and smoked parsley and had sex with parsley and smoked their own bodily fluids.  Here, things are far more exciting. You never know what you might find around the corner! Here, let me take you on a tour.

#1: Amazing silver tinfoil alien house

I noticed this as I was going past on the tram one day. It really does look like someone decided to glue sheets of heavy-duty tinfoil over every available surface of their house. I'm sure there are many logical explanations for this strange behaviour.

1. Aliens are coming and the owners of this house need to deflect their incoming radio waves.
2. Matt Bellamy lives here.
3. They're trying to blind all their neighbours. Just try looking at this fucking thing on a sunny day! You will actually go blind and die. 
4. Their house is actually made of weatherboards. I would understand completely if this was the case. I hate weatherboards. When you have weatherboards, anything is an improvement.

But all in all, this behaviour is truly bizarre. In addition to this, I have seen a number of houses nearby with the same tinfoil stuff over seemingly random windows of their house. Tinfoil wars are ON!

#2: The Patra House

(Note: The Patra House actually does have more windows. I just forgot. But they also have blinds closed at all times). 

This one has intrigued me since I first visited Melbourne. The thing is, it's probably something totally innocuous. There are millions of immigrants around here and I guess they need somewhere to gather. There's an Estonian House just down the road. But still, The Patra House still manages to arouse suspicion. Earlier this year, there was a Romanian flag up in the window. Romanian nationalists, perhaps? The "MEMBERS ONLY" sign in the window is hardly welcoming to any passing Romanian. And that raises the question of how on earth does one actually BECOME a member in the first place?

Whilst the blinds are always drawn and the door is always firmly shut, one day the boyfriend and I had the good fortune to walk by while someone was inside. They had carelessly left the door ajar! All thoughts of getting stabbed and shot fled my mind as the Curiosity Beast awoke. I peered in. Disappointingly, there wasn't all that much to see. It had a bar and kitchen, which looked nice and clean, and a large space on the floor, presumably for when the members want to engage in some crazy Romanian dancing. 

I think the strangest thing about The Patra House, though, is the sign on the side of it. It says something like "LP gas conversions and EFI specialists". 

...

Somehow I don't think that's what goes on in there. 

So The Patra House is a little bit weird, and I am certainly tempted to put a letter in their letterbox asking how I can become a member and if I have to perform any strange rituals to join. But I'm scared of them setting my house and fire and harvesting my organs, so perhaps this wouldn't be the best course of action. However! There are more weird buildings to come. Move along now ...

#3: Disgusting drug house

Eeew. This place is pretty revolting. I'm quite sure it's a crack house. But for god's sake, if you really want to have a crack house, why don't you try making it a little less obvious?!?! Anyway. Several times, I've walked by this place and noticed cars out the front. These have always been really nice new cars, which are totally incongruous to the surroundings. Once there was a nice black Mercedes van, driven by a little Asian fellow. I tried to see if there was anything in the back of the van, but the windows were tinted. Hmm ...

One day, when a nice shiny red car was parked out the front, I noticed that the gate to the left of the house was open. Behind the gate, things were even more dire than they appeared from the front. There was a fucking terrifying dog - I think it was a pitbull or something. There was also a garage full of all manner of shit, and some kind of abortion which I think once might have been a garden shed. This place is mental. For ages, I just assumed it was abandoned, as there are a number of abandoned places around here. But no, those fancy cars proved me wrong! Very queer indeed. I wish I lived across the road from this place. I would love to see what goes on. I would also be terrified of having my house set on fire when the crackheads see me up there with my binoculars, but whatever. 

Next time:

Creepy shop next to takeaway place!

House with garden on roof!

Ceiling-bike shop!

Fucking awful brick building!