Monday, February 14, 2011


I can't wait until I'm an old person. Based on a number of experiences I've had recently and not-so-recently, here is what I imagine I'll be able to do when I'm old. It seems that when you hit about 60, you become automatically entitled to do a whole world of things which are otherwise unacceptable.

The most common and probably the most infuriating of all these things has to be

If I had a dollar for every time some old cow shoved her way in front of me in a line, I'd be a millionaire. I'd at least be able to repay my debts to StudyLink. It happened the other day at the supermarket. I'd been waiting very patiently at the deli counter while some other old tart finished off, and when the person behind the counter called "next please", this awful old hag appeared out of nowhere and started ordering! Instead of forcing her into the meat slicer as I should have done, I flicked her aside with a curt "I believe I was next. Being old doesn't mean you get to skip queues".

I'm English. Queuing is the national sport in England, and as such I take it very seriously.

If I don't draw a picture of me putting an old lady in the meat slicer I think I'll be lynched.

It happened again when I recently saw Tim Finn in concert. As the encore began, I couple of scaly old prostitutes ruined my opportunity to call for Shark Attack by pushing right in behind me, in front of my friend Alison. Words were exchanged and they eventually buggered off to the back, probably for another sherry. Seriously, the number of middle-aged/old people at that concert who only got out once a year was staggering. A lady behind us got so drunk that she was grinding on her 40-something speccy accountant husband for all to see. Put it away.

So basically, when I'm old, I'll get to the front of every line, be able to stand on the wrong side of the escalator, should loudly at shop attendants, get my shopping bags carried to the car for me, not have to say please or thank-you (seriously, and they say that TEENAGERS are rude? They're dreaming!), block the footpath with my huge shopping bags, and live the life of luxury in retirement villages. Ohh it sounds like the life! I guess I'll need it after the debauched mid-life crisis that I'll inevitably have.

Shame everyone hates old people, though.

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